| Mothers Work ReDefined
by Alicia M. Rodriguez, M.A. It is Monday morning and my six-year-old son is home today. I position him in front of
the television (something I said I would never, ever do). I have a number of client telephone appointments today, not to mention an article and a newsletter to write. Who am I today? Am I the working mother or the stay-at-home mother? Or am I both?
I chuckle to myself, realizing I am living this paradox. There has been a schism between women who have families and work, labeled "working mothers" and women who do not work outside of the family, labeled
"stay-at-home mothers". We will define ourselves as one or the other, never really considering that we may be both.
Implicit in the labeling is a critique, a sense that no matter how I define myself, I am deficient. If I have children and work, I feel guilty about leaving my children and I am criticized for not spending enough time with them. If I have children and do not work outside the home, I am scolded for wasting my education and my business experience, and I struggle with a sense of self primarily defined by my family.
This polarity is influenced by early feminists who
created a concept of feminism as a backlash to patriarchy. It comes from the same place that gave us the image of "Superwoman", the woman who could have it all and have it all at the same time. Women have decided this is an illusion, a self-sabotaging image that did not take a holistic view of modern lifestyles or the needs of the individual woman.
There has been a shift to feminism as defined by the freedom to choose one's lifestyle, as opposed to feminism as a backlash to cultural or societal restrictions. Local author Iris Krasnow, in her book Surrendering to Motherhood, speaks the exasperation of many women who have made the attempt at Superwoman. "I was winded, too, and bowled over by the prospect of being a Great Mother to each of my four children, a decent spouse, and a Developing Self all at once...I am the woman who has it all, and it all is swallowing me, crushing me, splicing my mind."
There is a price to pay. In her book, The Price Of Motherhood: Why The Most Important Job In The World Is Still The Least Valued, Ann Crittenden estimates that working mothers earn 20% less than working women without children earn, and that a stay-at-home parent may lose up to a million dollars over the years. The price of staying home is measured not only in terms of promotions and finances, but also in terms or professional and personal satisfaction. Charmaine McCrystal,
former membership coordinator of the Annapolis organization Professional Moms at Home, speaks about the loss of
self-esteem and reward in relinquishing a job or career from which a woman earns income and praise. She explains, "The transition to home life is, and I cannot underscore this enough, incredibly isolating. Thus groups like Professional Moms at Home and At Home Mothers.com spring up as women search for things to surround their motherhood which offer stimulation and meaning."
Ms. McCrystal refers to the term, "sequencing woman", which describes a woman who
has put aside her career for child rearing and will likely return to a working position more in line with the needs of her family. Mothers and More, an advocacy network for women who have altered their career paths in order to care for their children at home, supports the sequencing woman who moves in and out of paid employment and looks for flexible work arrangements in order to balance family and work. In the friction between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers, too often
we ignore that women are in a state of flux once they enter motherhood and that the choices they make may even come as a surprise to them.
Women are creating innovative solutions to balancing family and work. One woman, a former consultant at a Baltimore company, had not anticipated missing her infant son for so many hours a day. She was also unwilling to abandon her career path despite her company's inflexibility.
"It's not working the way I thought it would. And I'm don't buy into the idea that I have to give up one for the other." In order to balance her feelings about motherhood with her need for professional reward, she opened a successful consulting business working flexible hours out of a home office. She has joined the ranks of the 45% of women-owned businesses who are also home-based.
The conversation of what is right for a woman and what is a step backwards is
ongoing. At the center of this conversation is the matter of choice, without guilt.
Jennifer Anderson, principal of BloomingU.com, a site dedicated to mothers who work by choice, suggests, "For working moms, guilt comes from not honoring personal values. Working moms have a set of beliefs about what it means to be a great Mom. Those beliefs may have absolutely nothing to do with the individual strengths and talents of that same Mom. The source of guilt is placing greater value on what other people think than on what you think."
Each group of women
remains suspicious of the other.
Ms. McCrystal suggests that the reason is "because they are searching for validity of which society itself gives very mixed signals - that is women have the freedom to choose but at the same time women hear that mothering is the most rewarding and important job they will ever do in their lives, setting up automatic conflict." Molly Green, Director of Admissions at The Severn School, is a working mother whose sister, Sally, stays at home with her children. "Both sides of the coin try to justify their decision by making the other side wrong. Everyone's situation is unique and different." Ms. Green further notes that for women to go to work and manage household issues, fathers need to play a larger role. Although it is true that men are spending more time with their children than ever before, it is also true that women still retain the primary responsibility for the children and household. "I have a working protocol for my life, glitches not withstanding. But about four times a year I fall to pieces. I can have things go bad at home or at work, but not in both areas," says Ms. Green.
Women are entitled to have their careers, their intellectual pursuits and their children. These should not be mutually exclusive and one choice need not diminish the other. In polarizing the issue between "us" and "them" women cannot focus on the larger issues. Until our culture begins to value women's professional contributions and the care of children as important to our future as are consumerism and business, neither the mother who stays at home nor the
mother who works will be able to fulfill her personal, professional and familial objectives.
In addition, businesses will continue to lose the contribution of professional, experienced women. Only with an inclusive career/life model will we see flexible work arrangements for parents, appropriate financial compensation, and work/life programs which support men, women and children. Choosing will then become an option and not a sacrifice. Moreover, one's personal choice will not be defined by the opinions of others.
As for my Monday, the Scooby Doo TV marathon is over, I
have no appointments for a couple of hours and it is time to play. Maybe this is what they really meant by "having it all."
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© Alicia M. Rodriguez, 2008. All rights reserved.
Please feel free to forward this on.
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Reproduction for publication is approved, provided the copyright information is included along with the following attribution: by
Alicia M. Rodriguez, M.A., Personal Coach, Soul Centered Life Management™, 410-544-5262 , E-Mail: aliciamr@sclmcoach.com and website: www.sclmcoach.com
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